“We belong to the long brave flowering of the world unfolding one battered, stupendous petal at a time.”

Grief is a ragged journey we’d so much prefer not to take. But we don’t really get to say “No.” And, time after time, we make it through. We learn how much we can do, and bear. How much we can handle, and still show up for a life. The “skin” of our awareness stretches to include the confounding, grizzly reality of loss. Grief grinds us into a powder that becomes mortar, binding us to this mysterious, confounding fact of being a time-limited creature in this marvelous, and temporary, world.

One of the difficult gifts of loss is resilience. Psychologist Arielle Schwartz describes what she calls “resilience psychology,” noting that it “allows you to adapt and even grow in response to loss and painful or traumatic life events. Research on resilience shows us the behaviors and beliefs that are associated with greatest adaptation and provide a road-map that guides and assists with the process.

Integration of resilience strategies allows you to:
Turn towards the supportive presence of a caring community
Listen to others who are grieving and benefit by learning how they are feeling and coping
Recognize that by pacing your process you are able to navigate through painful and overwhelming feelings
Find strength and courage once again
Stay open to life knowing that loss and painful events happen

When you are confronted with grief in your life, consider the following as stepping stones that you can take each day:
How can I connect with others in a meaningful way?
Can I express my grief by talking, writing, painting, or movement?
What are my dreams saying? What is my healing story?
What must I surrender to or let go of?
In what ways am I being called to be strong and courageous?
In what way do I need to ask for help?”

As we learn to live with loss, our shared stories become comfort and courage for others, and add to our resilience. We create a gentler, and more realistic, way of seeing life – not as just the fantasy world where everyone is young and we are always gloriously happy, but a real world where joy and struggle, loss and love live neck and neck.

The following is a little entry from Year 2 of the letters –

“There is no answer. Life is full of holes. Grief is real. It lives neck-and-neck with joy. The emptiness packed right in there with the brave, honeyed busyness of everyday life. There is no getting over it. I am living the awesome, awful truth of life and death, all woven together. Complicated, multi-layered, and not all of the layers are sweet.

If Nanette were cooking, she would say you have to pay attention, take your time; one layer, then the next. In the end, the flavors seep into each other, settle into something nourishing and rich, each effort different than the last.

Here, now, the sweetness runs through me. You are still with me in some way I don’t understand, but willingly drink up. Oh, the happy truth of it all.”